


Java Jive

by grayspider1974



Series: Ivar's World [3]
Category: Vikings (TV)
Genre: Other, annoying hipsters and some swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-08-30 01:16:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16755058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grayspider1974/pseuds/grayspider1974
Summary: In which Harald drives into Ottawa and tries to enjoy a nice cup of coffee in peace.





	Java Jive

**Author's Note:**

> The Happy Goat is an actual coffee shop in Ottawa...nice coffee and not too expensive but utterly swarming with hipsters.  
> Refectory anemia is a real thing, because I have it.

Harald was tall and lean and had a long braid of auburn hair and broad cheekbones and the heavy-lidded eyes of a man whose ancestors came from Eastern Europe, and the hands of a man who worked for a living. He was a no bullshit guy, which was why he hated driving into Ottawa because the city was swamped with bullshit and getting fuller and fuller of shit every day. There were hundreds of coffee shops all over the damn place but the one coffee shop that sold a decent coffee for a reasonable price was the Happy Goat on Elgin Street, smack dab in the middle of hipster heaven. There were the mommies in yoga pants pushing babies in giant strollers, people with ill-trained rat dogs the size of Harald's foot and vegans who exhorted to eschew meat with the fervour once reserved for evangelical Christianity until he explained to them that like many people whose ancestors lived up near the tree line his genes included those that caused refectory anemia and that a diet that excluded animal products might make him sick. Then there were the people who would walk right up to Harald and squeeze his biceps and stroke his braid and ask him if he worked out at a particular gym or used a particular dietary supplement. Their muscles bulged, but they had clearly never actually worked a day in their lives because their hands were soft. To some of these he would respond with "I don't work out I just work." but Harald had sometimes offered to introduce some of these men to his brother Halfdan, who had been into that sort of thing, but Halfdan was off playing soldier boy in the Middle East with Bjorn Ragnarsson and Harald had not heard from him lately. He hoped that his brother would not make a complete ass of himself by declaring his undying homoerotic passion for Bjorn, who looked like he had calved off of an iceberg and had a personality to match. At any rate Harald understood the minds of these men even less than he understood the minds of women, but he really did not give a shit about them because the only thing that truly offended him was vulgar and uncouth behavior. He encountered a prime example of this one brisk afternoon while having his coffee in the park that lay kitty corner from the Happy Goat when someone who was yakking away on their cell phone walked straight into Harald, sending half his coffee flying. He looked up at the face of a young man who looked as though he had been punched in the face fairly hard. The youngster was well built but almost as soft as the muscle boys that Halfdan had fancied and his hands looked even more immaculate than those of half the women that Harald knew. Clearly this was someone to whom the word "work" was not only a four letter word but a word whose meaning was completely unknown, and a brown stain was spreading across the crotch of what looked like very expensive skinny jeans. Harald smiled apologetically, but was met with a disdainful glare.  
"Fuck off cowboy," the younger man said."You lost the Alamo!"  
Harald's grin widened. He had heard that a soft word turns away wrath, but a broad shit-eating grin was far more effective because it terrifies people.  
"Time to mosey on back to Brokeback Mountain, hombre..." the young man with the brown stain on his jeans said, and Harald grinned even wider until he felt the chill air on his back teeth. He decided to yoik this oik for all he was worth because while there was no cure for being a pussy Harald liked to fuck with them every chance he got.  
"You heard me ..get along little dogie we don't have all day!" Then suddenly, and for no apparent reason at all the young man added "...you fucking redneck retard Johnny Cash wannabe.."  
Harald calmly upended his coffee over the other man's head and spoke very softly and deliberately. "I believe in this country, its constitution and its laws." he said. "You have the right to question my political views and I really don't give a rat's ass about what you say about my sexual preferences or the way I choose to live my life, but there are three things that I will not allow you to impune. The first is my mother, the second is my truck and the third..." He paused and patted the younger man's bruised face "is Johnny Cash." Harald then walked away quietly as though nothing had happened, because while he enjoyed fucking with pussies he knew that he could only fuck with a pussy for so long before it got too sore, and he would much rather go get another coffee.


End file.
